Sigh...I may eventually get into the actual habit of writing in this thing regularly, but I hope I don't have any loyal fans out there waiting with baited breath or anything, because it's not looking too good so far...
Anyway, this entry was inspired by my realizing that I actually had a *comment* on my last entry!! Someone read my blog!! (Thanks, DJ) :). Because of this, I decided to write another entry, although at the moment I'm not quite sure what I'm going to write about. I've already exhausted my generic opinions on autism; you can read my first two posts to get a good idea about that, but since the stated purpose of this blog is supposed to be blogging about my life and autism/aspergers, I suppose I should come up with something.
Let's see...
Lately, the negative things about my AS seem to be getting somewhat worse. I know, this blog was starting out so positive and shiny, all neurodiverse and stuff, right? Well, all that is still there, and still true, but right now I feel like pointing out that I'm well aware that not everything having to do with being autistic is good. This said, I can honestly say I still wouldn't give up being Aspie if I could, despite the fact that I've been going sorta crazy lately. Its not super serious stuff, just stuff that causes some minor problems and makes me unhappy and my husband unhappier. I've been stimmy lately, for one thing, which is kinda odd for me since this is just about the first time I remember noticing stimming in myself, at least in public. I stim in private, always have...hey, don't look at me like that, I didn't mean it that way!! ;-) Anyway, I used to read blogs and posts by autistics about stimming, and think they didn't really apply to me a whole lot, and then I found myself trying not to handflap at the grocery store, and it kinda took me by surprise. I've also been rather routine dependent lately, having a bit of trouble sleeping, having some focus problems, and just generally seeming...well, more stereotypically autistic, if you understand what I mean. A lot of it I can't even put a finger on what I'm doing differently, its just that I'm feeling and acting more Aspie than usual lately.
I know exactly *why* my Aspie side is acting up -- I work as a C-Print captionist at a university, and its the end of the summer and the beginning of a new semester. Since I didn't work over the summer, this means two things: first, my husband and I have, for the last month, been basically out of money, and living on food assistance and the charity of friends and loved ones is stressful!! This issue has finally been resolved as of today (my husband got his financial aid money, yay!!!!), so knowing how I operate, I'll stop being stressed about money in about 2 weeks (once my brain catches up to reality).
Second, the new semester means a new schedule, and readjusting to working life, and everything that comes with this -- the changes, the altered sleep routine, etc., etc. Combine this with the money situation and all that stress, and its really no wonder I've been feeling my AS more.
For me, the negatives of AS overlap a lot with my anxiety disorder (which I have yet to come up with any positives about). I get anxious, and I get Aspieish, and I get harder to deal with. My poor husband is dealing with some medical stuff himself (he was recently diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, and on top of already having depression and sleep apnea, its not helping his brain chemistry at all...), and when our disorders collide it isn't a fun time for either of us. Luckily, I think we're getting better at managing those times. However, if I had a nickel for every time my husband asked me if I was "ok," well...I wouldn't be so worried about money :-p.
Going back and reading what I just wrote, I realized something. The vast majority of the negative stuff I've been mentioning can either be chalked up to the anxiety disorder, or isn't negative per se (like the stimming, which I maintain isn't a bad thing, despite the fact that I try not to do it in public if possible -- I have resorted to hiding in restroom stalls to get privacy). I guess the moral of this story is that being more Aspie isn't necessarily bad, and I should be more accepting of myself -- and that just figures, that always seems to be the moral of the story. *Sigh.*
Oh well.
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